Can You Really Say YEAH If You Can’t Say No?

Back in the day, I worked at a company where we decided to bring in Peter Block’s famous consulting method. It’s called Flawless Consulting, if you want to look it up.

Everyone would go through a four-day course and receive coaching and support on how to do their work within that framework.

It’s a good method. I had no issues with it and was eventually even tasked with helping lead the initiative to bring it about.

Although I don’t remember the details, I do remember being in a meeting led by a guy who was a self-proclaimed expert in the method.

This was just as I was starting to get pulled into the project.

Someone had hired him to work for the company, but I’m not sure what he did or why he was in front of us leading this meeting.

My work colleague/Friend and I were sitting next to each other, and shared that we did not like this guy’s vibe.

He came off as so smug and arrogant. I’ll just leave it at that.

However, at one point in the meeting, he said something we both thought was worth hearing. It was something I left the meeting with and still remember to this day.

He said something to the effect of:

Your yes means nothing until you learn to say no.

I may not have the language exactly right, but that was the essence.

and I also don’t know whether this was his statement or one he had borrowed from someone else. I suspect it came from someone else’s ideas.

Nevertheless, I’m beginning to see this statement as a bit of a helpful koan.

His point was that if you’re always saying yes to the clients you work with, your boss, or your customers, you eventually become overcommitted and fail to deliver on time or with quality.

He was equating it with people-pleasing.

He was equating saying yes and never saying no with being spineless.

That seemed a bit harsh and cynical. I didn’t agree with it then, and I don’t agree with it in its entirety now.

I mean, yes, many of us like to be agreeable and helpful to the people who matter in our lives.

And, sure, we can get overextended when we say yes too much.

However, that doesn’t mean we don’t know how to say no or are unwilling to do so.

Regardless of his philosophy, I’m beginning to see how we could use this koan for ourselves.

Forget customers, bosses, or other people altogether.

Learn to say no to yourself.

Learn to say no to most things.

Be like Nancy Reagan and just say no.

Just kidding, but I did realize I was starting to sound like that.

My point is subtler.

If you’re like me, and your interest in and pursuit of FIRE is primarily about gaining as much autonomy as possible and escaping the grind of working for a paycheck, this may be extremely important.

To reach a higher level of joy, fulfillment, and general happiness, I think we need to learn to drop the mental weight we’ve been carrying.

I recognize that I carried some of that weight into my post-FIRE experience.

If you’re like me, when you reach FIRE, you might also find that you’re recovering from burnout.

Let’s face it: when you’re working for a living, there are plenty of things you can say no to.

However, I bet you’ve also said yes to a whole lot of crap you didn’t want to say yes to but felt you simply had to in order to stay employed.

It simply comes with the territory.

Thus, to answer the question in the title of this post …

Yes, I think your ability to say YEAH will be hampered, perhaps dramatically, if you cannot say NO to the things that don’t matter.

For example, I was out walking this morning with my headphones on, listening to a podcast.

It was a couple of dudes talking about how to leverage your network to achieve your goals.

Ick.

They were discussing what I consider convoluted strategies for getting into the good graces of people who might best help you achieve your career goals.

Their intent wasn’t to come off as smarmy.

They were trying to share tips and tactics for gaining support and making sure you had the “right people on the bus.”

Still. I say ick.

NO. I don’t want to participate in that kind of thing anymore.

I don’t want to take advice from some random dudes who claim to have the solution for my situation.

My goal is to be.

My goal is to do what comes naturally.

My goal is to allow the shadow side of myself, particularly the inner child I’ve cut myself off from, to come back into being.

That means I need to say NO to BS like this more often.

and say YES to what my heart and inner knowing are actually telling me right now.

Does it feel right?

Does it feel off?

That’s about all we need to start deciding what to say YEAH and NO to in our lives.