Comparison Is the Thief of Joy: Being an Enneagram 4 Is Cool Until It Isn’t

This article is an exploration of how the vice associated with an Enneagram type can show up in everyday life.

Each Enneagram type has a corresponding vice. It is a source of poison to the system, and it can keep a person stuck in the ineffective ways of living associated with that type.

Last night, Envy showed up for me again, and I wanted to process the experience in a way that might be helpful for readers of this blog.

First, let’s look briefly at the Enneagram.

There are nine personality types represented in the typology.

I won’t go through all of them, but I will share five, because they also show up in my Tri-Type Enneagram.

My core type is Type 4, the Individualist.

My wing is Type 5, the Investigator.

Type 4 is a heart-centered type.

Type 5 is a head-centered type.

There are also gut, or body-centered, types—three in each center.

In Tri-Type theory, which I have found extremely useful for gaining a deeper understanding of myself, you have one predominant type and then one type from each of the other two centers.

Thus, my Tri-Type also includes:

• Type 7, often called the Enthusiast or Epicure (head center).

• Type 1, often called the Reformer (gut/body center).

(And, in this regard, I am a Type 1 with a 9 wing, often called the Peacemaker, which tempers my “church lady” moralistic tendencies.)

It took me years to figure out what my main type was because it is difficult to see yourself clearly.

Yes, you can get feedback from others, but often people project themselves onto you.

Case in point.

The first time I learned about the Enneagram in any depth, I was talking with a therapist through my company’s work-life balance program.

She typed me during the call.

I later learned that this is considered a big no-no.

You don’t type someone else.

It is a journey of self-discovery.

Then, a year or two later, when I began a more serious study of the typology, I immediately chose what I believed was my type.

But then I questioned it because I kept hearing how rare it was.

I was told people often mistype themselves as this type, and some of the descriptions I read didn’t seem to fit.

Fast forward ten years.

I attended a week-long workshop on the Enneagram.

One exercise involved listening to songs that the facilitator, Russ Hudson, had selected as reflections of the different types.

This was extremely helpful.

I found myself deeply moved by the songs associated with what I believed was my core type and my wing.

But even there I kept hearing, “Oh, so many people who think they’re this type later discover they’re really that type.”

So I left thinking, “Maybe I’m actually my wing, and what I thought was my core type is really secondary.”

Nope.

I was right from the very beginning.

I am clearly a Type 4 with a 5 wing.

Tri-Type theory helped me finally isolate and confirm that.

In my view, it is only through studying your lived experience—and writing about it in a journal or something similar—that you really figure it out.

This is because all nine types can apply to you.

They represent nine recurring patterns within human nature.

We are all capable of behaving from all nine.

But we tend to orbit around one to three.

Second, I began noticing envy while I was still working full-time.

The first time I wrote about it, it emerged while recalling a meeting in my boss’s office with two of my colleagues.

During that meeting, I felt like a complete outsider.

It reminded me of that old song:

“One of these things is not like the others…”

That was me.

That was how I felt.

As I stayed present during the meeting, I started noticing smaller details.

One of them was that all three of them were wearing nearly identical jackets.

Same style.

Same texture.

Same look.

It was as if they had all shopped at the same store.

They probably had.

And they looked good.

Really good.

And I was envious.

I was finally able to name it and Claim it.

“Huh?

That’s not me.

I’m a good guy.

A fun-loving guy.

And, I’m a minimalist.

Stuff and possessions Don’t matter to me.”

But, in that moment, they did.

Not because of the jackets.

I Felt Shame for not measuring up, you see.

That is What the Envy Grows out of for Type 4.

Type 4 is a Shame based Type.

Third, here’s what happened last night.

And this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed envy returning.

I had an okay performance. I played four songs.

Two of them I’ve now played live three or four times this summer.

The other two had never been performed publicly before, except for my music coach.

Overall, I did okay.

But my throat got dry.

I forgot a verse in one song.

My delivery and phrasing in another felt off.

I stepped off stage feeling disappointed.

The next performer got up and seemed completely confident.

The audience responded enthusiastically.

Then a woman got up, played guitar, and sang beautifully—in Japanese.

She was from Japan.

It was amazing.

Then a terrific local performer returned after a long absence.

Everyone was excited to see him.

He delivered some fantastic cover songs.

I sat there trying to enjoy it.

But I couldn’t.

That familiar feeling of comparison and envy started rising again.

It’s a terrible feeling.

For my type—a 4 with a 5 wing, sometimes described as the Bohemian or Iconoclast—envy tends to become internalized, quiet, and intellectualized.

Bingo.

Rather than competing for the spotlight, this type often withdraws from it.

Bingo again.

All I wanted to do was leave and go home.

Type 4s often reject what they cannot have.

(I Remember doing this with my boss and Colleagues. Oh, look at them all wearing the same type of jacket, how conventional.)

They focus on what is missing.

They retreat into fantasy.

They draw people toward themselves and then push them away because they fear that, if they become too ordinary, their perceived defectiveness will be exposed.

Bingo.

For me, it is subtle.

for Example, I Have noticed an internal dialogue beginning to emerge in the last week:

“Maybe I should stop becoming a regular at some of these open mics.”

Why?

Because then I would no longer be the “special” new person who occasionally shows up and surprises people.

Instead, I would become just another pretty good performer who is still working on his craft.

Look, I am not proud of this.

And I hope you don’t think less of me for sharing it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the combination of total time freedom and growing psychological freedom, I would probably prefer to keep this side of myself hidden.

That is the shadow.

But other people often see our shadow, even when we think we have it well covered.

Better, I think, to simply show up as your authentic self.

I’m working on it.