I’m Up On A Tightrope: Escaping Dread, Embracing Joy - Possible or Impossible?

There is a change afoot in the stars.

Today is a day of collective awakening, according to the Astro-Dienst website.

New possibilities and visions will arise, the front page claims.

Gosh, I sure hope so, because I was up late last night and up early this morning with a growing sense of, I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to change something big.

But what?

Ugh.

Yesterday, I kept reminding myself that I have complete time freedom to exercise my psychological freedom. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Glorious, isn’t it?

An inner voice pipes up:

“Just go with the flow, dude. All you need to do is follow your energy and interests, and everything will work out for the best.”

Hmm…

I’m not so sure.

Maybe.

Could that be true?

What I realize is that I am still dealing with post-corporate-life anxiety and burnout.

The anxiety burned me out, and the burned-out feelings cause me anxiety.

In yesterday’s article, I talked about how I got behind the eight ball with my One Hit Wonder to maintain my target weight and stay within my range.

I was slightly over the range on Monday.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I was back within the range and had lost three pounds.

Still not at my target weight, but trending in the right direction again.

That is good.

But it stressed me out, too.

Why?

Good question.

Since I have given up the “spectator sports” of YouTube, streaming services, cable TV, and even podcasts, I am now confronted with extra time.

And, on top of that, since I discovered on Monday that I was over my upper limit, I decided to stop going to open mics until I was back at my target weight or below.

That means no pints of beer and no eating out, too.

Oh sure, I could still go play and have a water or diet soda.

But that wasn’t my dream for doing these.

I did—and do—want to limit the number of beers and calories I consume, but I also want the freedom to enjoy the full experience.

So what do I do with myself?

Go to bed.

Read.

The last two nights, I have gotten ready for bed exceptionally early and then laid there reading for nearly three hours.

The realization I am fully confronting now is that I have spent a good chunk of my life in spectator mode.

Take that away…

What do you do?

My hobbies are music.

And I did rehearse yesterday for over an hour.

That was good.

And then…

Drinking beer or wine and listening to music.

Eating out.

Getting together with friends, eating out, and usually having a couple of drinks.

And now…

Maybe adding the occasional conference, workshop, or class.

TBD.

Yes, I walk 15,000 steps per day, but that is mostly meant to help me stay fit and burn calories so I can drink beer, eat out, and listen to music while I do it.

I suppose I could add hiking.

Yeah, that would be okay.

But every day?

And it would eat into my time for writing blog posts, rehearsing, and the other things I am spending my time on.

Last night, I finished eating my 1,500 calories by 5:00 p.m. and found myself very drowsy.

I took a little catnap.

Then I was awake.

I found myself scratching my head.

What do I do with myself?

Oh…

You said going to a movie was okay, so do that.

Oh wait.

Part of the reason I like going to the movies is so I can get a big tub of popcorn and a Diet Coke, sit there, and enjoy the movie and the snacks.

You’re out of calories for the day, dude.

Any other options?

I could dig out an old DVD and watch that at home.

Huh?

Is that all you can think of, man?

Watch something.

Listen to something.

Eat something.

Drink something.

Jeez…

I need some new hobbies, I guess.

And yet, I feel overwhelmed by possibilities.

I think this is part of the anxiety and burnout residue from my previous corporate life.

And I think it is part of confronting radical time ownership.

Since earlier this month, I have been thinking, “Hey, I can add another One Hit Wonder,” since my “official” one was simply to stop wasting my time on screens as a spectator watching other people’s content.

But…

What might I add?

• Write a song every day?

• Clear the decks? (Including decluttering—or perhaps the reverse, getting to “enough” stuff: stuff I love versus stuff I merely tolerate—and finally getting rid of the “Hell No’s” I keep procrastinating about.)

• Daily guitar practice? Maybe add vocal training?

• Step up my strength-training program by working with a coach? Perhaps a yoga or Tai Chi class?

• Schedule one “special event” every month? A workshop, conference, mini-vacation, family trip, or get-together with friends?

• Reach out regularly to people I want to stay connected with?

• Figure out the best rotation schedule between my home in the PNW and my apartment in the Southeast?

• Fully commit to exploring the 7C’s this summer and/or playing 100 open mic performances over the next year?

• Sell my scooter that I never use, buy an e-bike, and start riding it in addition to my daily walks?

• Etc., etc., etc.

Heck…

Add all of them!!

These are the things you already know you want to do.

But yet I don’t.

Or I do them in a half-baked, less-than-100%-committed way.

And I have to remind myself there is a good reason for that.

The overextension that comes from adding all of these—or even several of them at once—is exactly the kind of pre-FIRE behavior that caused the overwhelm, anxiety, and burnout in the first place.

Look…

It’s only July 15th.

I have been public that I only want to add one new One Hit Wonder each month for the next year.

But I won’t lie.

This is sort of driving me crazy.

I don’t know the answer, but it seems like something is wanting to emerge.

I know I want to free myself from the dread, the burned-out tired feeling, and the “I’m not sure what to prioritize next” spinning that keeps me locked in this cycle.

I think the answer is to seek joy.

But I’m not sure I’m very skilled at that.

I’ve spent half my life living under “you must,” “you should,” and “why didn’t you?”

And the other half in “just Netflix and chill, dude” passive spectator mode.

And dang it…

There is nothing wrong with what I love.

I do love drinking a few beers, eating out, and—better yet—following that up by playing an open mic, hanging around afterward with a couple more pints, meeting interesting people, and then doing it all again a day or two later.

But I have put myself in a box.

On purpose.

And so…

We’ll see what happens next.

How about you?

If you accounted for every waking hour of your day, what would it tell you?

What do you keep putting off that you believe you want to do, but somehow never quite get around to?

Do you know why?

And do you know what to do about it?

Send me a text if you do.

I’d love to hear what you’ve found that works.