Pulling Back: Stop Feeding The Hog And Start Living
That’s it. I am done with pushing.
The last 2 weeks I have been pushing for answers to big questions and getting absolutely nowhere, except somewhat clearer but also more confused and slightly depressed.
I keep track of what I do each day, year after year, in a little spreadsheet kind of journal. (Author Jim Collins does this, and I adopted the practice from his idea.)
And from reviewing this every day, I have seen that I am literally on a repeat cycle. Last year at this time, I was struggling with the same problems and a case of mild depression, too.
This is odd, because I am most times a very optimistic person.
What gives?
Is it my biological clock and August?
Is it the end-of-summer blues setting in?
Trauma from childhood? Ugh. We all have to go back to school now?
Well, I will tell you what gives.
It is my desire to bring things to a conclusion.
And that is weird, because I also like to keep things open. I like options. I like to think about possibilities.
But I find myself at a crossroads today, and ready to take non-action.
Here are the competing mental notes vying for my attention:
Where to live and when to live there?
Do I want to sign up for a year-long development program or not?
What is a worthy quest that could get me out of this funk?
I’m done with those questions, for now.
At least searching for a better answer than my reality currently dictates.
Amor fati will be my go-forward stance.
Here’s the reality.
These questions, this pushing, this struggle, it’s tied to a desire to fill the void of time freedom with something meaningful.
This is a very normal post-FIRE occurrence. Some people are good at stuffing this down and they just “do things.”
I’m more finicky than this. And I tend to be in a state of dissatisfaction with the present. My Enneagram tritype (471) predicts this.
Ah, now you got it.
Just think back, dude.
Remember when you dreamt of living by the ocean, in a little cabin, and all you had to do each day was enjoy life?
Yes, i do. That’s right. At the height of my stressed, long-work-hours corporate career, all I really wanted was to be left alone.
I envisioned myself living in a small cottage by the Oregon Coast.
In this vision, I had a little table that served for both writing and dining in the center of the room, looking out towards the beach and waves.
Then I pictured myself walking south away from the cabin for a daily stroll. Just enjoying the smell of the salt air, the wind, the sunshine, the birds overhead.
Ah, such peace. Such beauty.
I was picturing myself as a hermit and a monk writer/philosopher, probably like a Ken Wilber or such.
And boy oh boy, I thought that would be just grand.
Well gosh, how about that?
Look at where I am right now, at this very moment.
I am sitting at a dining table writing a blog article, in a cabin in the woods, all by myself, while outside the sun is starting to come out, and across the street, while not the Oregon Coast, is a part of the beautiful Pacific Ocean.
No demands on my time.
No pressing appointments or meetings.
Things to do, for sure, but plenty of time to do them when I feel like it or must.
Dream accomplished, sans having the little cabin on the Oregon Coast.
So why the anomie?
If I could answer that, I’d probably not be writing today’s article in an attempt to address it.
Here’s what I have resolved to do about it, though.
1. Stop trying to figure out where to live and when to live there.
I’m here in the PNW now, and I plan to be for the next month or so. That’s it.
Then I am going to drive across country and spend much of the rest of the year, and likely the full winter into early spring, in the Southeast. I’ll fly back here periodically to take care of minor tasks.
No need to figure anything else out for now.
2. Apply for the dang developmental program.
That doesn’t mean I need to go through with it. I may find out something that I don’t know right now that pushes me to hold off or go forward.
But I can at least quit perseverating about the simple step of applying and just see what happens.
Although I also reserve the right to change my mind on even applying. I’m merely typing up the article and telling you how I feel at this very moment. I’ll let you know if I do.
Because there will always be another program I can participate in.
If in doubt, leave it out, says my mom. And she is right.
3. Dude, you have a worthy quest underway already. Remember? This blog.
Oh, yeah.
And I just passed 5 months of posting to the blog every day this past Sunday, and didn’t even think about it.
That means I am about 43% of the way to accomplishing my goal of a daily post every day for one year.
Isn’t that enough?
Yeah, I think it is.
Honestly, I doubted my ability to achieve this when I got started and into the first 90 days.
But dang it, I am doing it, dog-gone it. And I plan to continue.
However, my hyper-productivity mindset that I have carried for the last 30 years keeps me unsatisfied.
Well, no more. I’m good with this.
And remember, that’s not all you have decided to pursue, dude.
I am continuing to get in 15,000 steps per day. That’s huge. And I believe I will make it for the whole year. I’ve got this.
I have escaped the algorithm of YouTube, podcasts, streaming apps, and cable TV “mind-numbing” screen time. It will be two months in about a week. What a massive victory!
I am continuing to monitor and keep within my target weight range.
I have put a stop to all solo drinking at home, and want to keep that up.
In fact, I want to completely stop having alcoholic drinks unless I am with other people and we are doing something fun, like going to a concert, on a trip, or at a party or such.
I plan to quit drinking at open mics, too. I’ve already stopped having a beer before I played, but nah, that is a work task, not a get-together-and-party task. I don’t need or want the drinks to cloud this over.
That said, I am pulling back from my goal of 100 open mics in the next year.
That goal is no longer on the table or a One Hit Wonder. I may bring it back later, but I was premature in putting it into the mix.
I have hit a wall with this, and I realized I was “feeding the hog.”
This is a nerdy compensation story about a wood products company that paid a bonus to employees based on a productivity metric on how much sawdust was created each month.
The more sawdust, the bigger the bonus.
The sawmill employees eventually figured this out and started “feeding the hog” (a machine that created sawdust and wood chips).
They wanted the highest bonus payout, so they figured out a way to game the system, instead of just relying on the sawdust and chips produced by normal operations of the sawmill and planers to drive the bonus amount.
Is this a real or fictional story?
I am not sure, but it makes the point.
When I push for “100 open mics,” what does that drive me to do?
It was making me focus on the quantity, but not necessarily the quality of the open mic experiences.
It also got me off the hook from playing open mics in the 7C’s and staying local.
Was that really what I wanted or intended to do?
Uh, no.
There is nothing wrong with just pushing myself to show up and play a couple each week, but … I was getting a little frantic and starting to burn out.
And for what?
To hit the goal of 100 in the year.
Look, it works and it doesn’t.
The main thing is I am pulling back from the commitment for now.
I will continue with the other five One Hit Wonders I already had in place.
But, I’m going to stop feeding the hog and sink into living the good life.
Wish me luck.